


in theory

by spacershepards



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Mass Effect Bridge Verse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-17
Updated: 2017-03-17
Packaged: 2018-10-06 20:21:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10343859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacershepards/pseuds/spacershepards
Summary: she’d hoped to see him again, someday, but she didn’t think she’d be alive for it.





	

If _anything_ about this makes sense, only God knows what it is. The more she thinks about it, the more she wonders if there's some explanation, hidden away and locked up somewhere so she can't find it. Of course there is. There always is. There's no such thing as coincidences, and everything happens for a reason.

There’s another universe. Where things are very different. How does that make sense?  


Honestly, the only thing that makes any semblance of sense is this: in this other universe, Kaidan Alenko survived Virmire, and she didn't. Kaidan Alenko became the second human Spectre after Shepard's death, and she didn't. Her Kaidan died years ago, on Virmire, and _she’d_ survived.  


It makes sense in _theory_ , that is.

And now – a ghost, standing right before her, his eyebrows twisted in confusion. No words can possibly cover the emotions churning inside her, and she's starting to wonder if anyone's ever felt this before. It's not anything like seeing Shepard on Horizon, since she'd all but confirmed the commander was alive. But this? This is beyond comprehensible. 

“Ash,” he says, the expression on his face probably matching hers. Guilt, grief, confusion, pain... some likeness of those, distorted and twining together, some hungry pain that practically devours her. It hurts, yes, but there isn't much she can do about it. “I mean – Operations Chief Williams – Spectre Williams? It's nice to meet you.”

“Drop the formalities,” she says, trying too hard to keep the cutting out of her voice. Likely she sounds serrated and sharp, on edge – she is, isn't she? “It's... nice to meet you, too.”

“You look just like... like the Ashley Williams from my universe. Though, you don't have the blue in your hair.” He gestures vaguely at the side of his hair, almost a sweeping motion, as though he's trying to portray a streak of hair framing the right side of his face. “My – the Ashley from my universe – the you from my universe, I suppose – you know what happened to her.”

Vaguely, she thinks, but doesn't say it. It's hard enough to get her next few words out: “I'm assuming whatever happened to the Kaidan Alenko of this universe.”

“You died on Virmire. Guess you survived here – that's... obvious, though.” His words sound awkward, as though he's carefully picking and choosing each one. “What... what happened to your universe's Kaidan?”

She blinks, closing her eyes for a minute – tasting the salty air, the Mako pushing through shallow water, Shepard's familiar voice choosing to let Kaidan die, choking back tears as she stands in the Normandy and collapses into her bed, muffled screams into her pillow, her mouth tasting like vomit, dreams picturing him dying and dead and before that. Old feelings she'd mostly forced out of her mind. Old feelings she'd thought she'd stopped feeling.

_God_. She can taste bile in her throat just thinking about it.

“He died. On Virmire.” She'll never understand Shepard's reasoning, choosing her over Kaidan. “Shepard sent him with Kirrahe... I don't want to talk about this.”

_Save him. Let me die. Go to him. Go to Kaidan, not me!_

“Sorry. I... this must be hard. On you. Were we... were we close?”

Close? Her shoulders slump involuntarily, her chest threatening to close up and cave in. She takes a deep breath, her fists clenching so she doesn't... doesn't what? Doesn't grasp onto the nearest object, doesn't grab his hands because how can she be sure he's real? He steps towards her and he smells like pine, just like her universe's Kaidan. “We were friends,” she says, going with the words that seem easiest. How do you put a label on what they were? They would've died to let the other live. 'Friend' is too simple, too soft a word.

He nods, like he expected this. “We were friends,” he repeats, his tone both solemn and somewhat comforting.

“Is there anything you want to know?” she asks, the words coming out of her mouth before she can register. She forces a smile, because what else do you do when facing a ghost? Yes, looking at him is as painful as – if not more then – being shot. Yes, the guilt spreading through her entire body seems to want to swallow her whole.

Kaidan looks like he wants to answer but can't find the words. She can't blame him – she's finding it hard to talk, too. Especially to him. Especially to a man with Kaidan's hair and eyes and frown, someone whom she knew, someone who had died in order for her to live. Looking in his eyes must be like looking into a mirror, although one that doesn't match up. But she can barely meet his eyes.

It hurts. That's the only feeling she can use to describe it.

“There's a lot, actually,” he says, crossing his arms. “I'm sure you have questions too. I'm happy to answer... anything you want to know. There must be... differences between our universes, and I want to know about them... don't you?” He barely sounds like Kaidan at the moment, his voice sounds raw and his words awkward. But she understands.

She nods, and the smile is a tiny bit less fake, though still as guilt-ridden as humanly possible. _Don't we all want to know_ , she thinks, and closes her eyes for the slightest second, reaching up to brush a strand of her hair out of her face. It's funny – the hair's falling on her right side, exactly where he gestured before. Where she supposedly had a blue streak (she'd never even though about dyeing her hair, especially not blue, so maybe he's kidding about that – a way to break the ice.)

(How is she going to talk to him much longer without breaking down?)

So she just imagines for a moment or two a universe where neither of them died, and that almost helps ease the pain. _Almost_. Not quite. She can picture it, though – the two of them mourning Shepard together, the two of them becoming Spectres together, the two of them standing here together and talking to their other selves. She can picture it all too easily because she's imagined it before, too many times, late at night when she can't quite sleep.

She had to pick up where he'd left off, become stronger to make up for her weaknesses because _he'd_ made up for her weaknesses – in combat, in making decisions, in almost everything.

She'd had to stand on her own.  


**Author's Note:**

> this is set in the mass effect bridge universe (you can find information on it at omegastation's tumblr.) i really love the idea of ashley and kaidan meeting again, both of them being the virmire survivors in their separate universes. basically, the entire idea of this shared universe rocks and i’d definitely suggest checking it out!


End file.
